This article hit home - Why I don't attend church.

"Christians - Here's why we're losing our religion"

I read this article on my mom's facebook and it really hit home. Marcus and I don't attend church (gasp!) and we are definitely  the minority in what Americans call the Bible Belt. I do not call myself a Christian. I believe in Christ, I have my own relationship with God and that is enough for me. I know what I believe and somehow that isn't enough for some people.

 I grew up in church, as did Marcus. From my earliest memories to my sophomore year of high school my whole life centered around my faith and the church group. I don't attend anymore for a number of reasons most of which are rooted at : Christians seem to throw the most stones. I was gossiped about, written about, and judged for my depression, which, according to "Christians" I was just not praying hard enough. Marcus and I were rejected by 2 ministers when we asked them to marry us because in one way or another we weren't "Christian enough." A very dear friend of mine drank himself to death because he knew the Church wouldn't accept him for who he was, a homosexual. He never came out to the church or his family. He simply held it in and drank until the pain was gone.

It seems very ironic to me that a Christ who is so forgiving and so full of love can have the most hateful and judgemental people as His followers. Looking back some of my most fond memories are in the church, but so are the most painful ones that instead of healing just seem to deepen over time. I can't say I won't ever become a member of a church, times are changing (thank God!) but for now, the wounds have yet to heal.

My new career

Growing up I always thought I'd end up doing some kind of social work, a psychologist, psychiatrist, or counselor of some sort. When I quit school my dreams of having a career went down the drain. College was not for me and I ripped myself to shreds about it, I hated myself for leaving. As if beating myself up on the inside wasn't enough, a few of my friends and family let it be very known that quitting school was not a good choice. "How will you support yourself?" "You just didn't try hard enough" or "Maybe you just haven't found your interest yet" The remarks would have continued if I hadn't become a hermit and avoided everyone in my life. Work and home, that was my life for many years.

I never EVER pictured myself as a stay at home mom. My parents never instilled it in my that there was anything wrong with being a stay at home mom but for whatever reason, I looked down upon my life as a "housewife", I felt that all I was good for was dishes and laundry. The first time it hit that I was looking at my life in completely the wrong way was when Marcus and I went to Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace (before Oliver was born). We went around the room and stated what we would do for a living if money wasn't an issue. I was shocked when most if not all of the women in the room stated that they would love to be stay-at-home moms if they could. How could I sit there, and look down upon something so many women dreamed of doing and I had the luxury of being able to do? I'm ashamed of myself now. Being a full time mom is the greatest and most challenging job I could have ever imagined. I love that I get to start my day with a beautiful toothless smiling little boy, and end it with my husband and I rocking him to sleep at night. I am not saying this job is a piece of cake, or that I don't have days where I wish I had a job I could go to and leave Oliver with a nanny but 90% of the time, it is pure bliss. Never again will I EVER be ashamed of being "just" a stay at home mom.

Oh the joys of motherhood...

When I started this blog my goal was to let people know what I was up to and be able to keep up with me (not that my life is that interesting) but I have found that instead I blog because it gets thoughts out of my head and onto the computer where they finally stop bugging me. I'm not entirely sure anyone reads this but that's okay with me, I'm writing to clear my head.

I just got done running on the treadmill and as I was running I started thinking of all of the things I have learned after having my son, Oliver. Tomorrow marks 8 weeks since he came into this world and what a ride it has been! I have multiple friends who are expecting and instead of being the know-it-all mom who gives her advice on every little thing I thought I'd post what I've learned along the way.

I'm sure more things will come to me later but this is what I came up with on the last mile.

1. Set your coffee maker on auto - you will need it in the morning but will be too tired to make it, and if you are a 2 cup kind of person but are breastfeeding, go half-calf.

2.The first 2 weeks are hard and nothing will prepare you for it, you will survive even though your hormones are telling you that you won't.

3. A glass of wine in a bubble bath can cure a lot of ailments.

4. If you are breastfeeding, the first time you give formula - for whatever reason - you will cry and its okay.

5. Buy snacks you can eat one handed, and dinners too if you can manage it.

6. When you go weeks on end with no recognition from your baby, and are just about to go crazy, he/she will break out in their first real smile and make it all worth it.

7. Get out of the house often. Nothing will make you feel more isolated, alone and helpless as staying in the house day in and day out with an infant who can only communicate by crying.

8. Diapers should come in half sizes, the jump from newborn to "1" is incredible.

9. Exercise at least every other day, even if you are exhausted. Sweat works wonders.

Somebody's got a frowny face...

We are officially 10 days away from our due date, but unfortunately that number doesn't matter anymore. Last Monday I went in to my weekly appointment (at 37 weeks) and as the nurse took my blood pressure, she looked up at me and asked if I had rushed to get in there. I said no and she checked it again, frowning. She said some numbers that meant nothing to me, then said that she would have Dr. Karns check it again in a minute. At the end of our appointment, Dr. Karns (Tom as I call him, a family friend) checked my BP again and though it had lowered slightly, was a little higher than he would have liked. To be on the safe side, he scheduled me to come back in a few days later to have his nurse check it again. I went in again on Friday morning, BP still high. I was instructed to take it easy, no stairs, no walking up hills, and no lifting anything over 10lbs. "Taking it easy" isn't easy for me to do, I am a very active person that has trouble sitting still, especially when I'm anxious and guess what? I'm about to have a baby, I'm anxious.

So, now we are up to Monday this week, I'm at 38 weeks 2 days, I take the elevator up to Tom's office, sit in the waiting room for a nice 10 minutes (plenty of time to get my heart to calm down a bit) and get called back for my appointment. The nurse (Anita) takes my BP and frowns. 132/90 Still high. I told her I had taken the elevator like she said and had taken it easy all weekend, she checked my urine and checked for swollen ankles/face (signs of pre-eclampsia) and all appeared good beyond the elevated BP. Tom couldn't find an explanation for my high blood pressure either. He explained that if my BP was going to be an issue, it would have become a problem a long time ago, not 2-3 weeks before my due date, and as there are no other indications of pre-eclampsia we were all pretty stumped. This made him lean more for inducing at 39 weeks to be on the safe side, when he told me this I believe my first response was, "Holy Sh*t Tom, that's next week." No, not my best moment, but inducing was the last thing I wanted and the last thing I expected at that point. Marcus wasn't with me and as the panic set in I was told I would be induced next Tuesday morning. He scheduled me to come back in on Thursday morning to have my BP checked again.

Here we are, Thursday morning (38weeks 5days) and I just got done with my doctors appointment. My blood pressure this morning was 142/88 (high) but Oliver's seemed to be perfect, Thank God! He checked to see if I was dilated at all and what do you know? ZERO. Unfortunately no dilation before you induce increases your risk of a c-section. So, as of this morning, I am to check into Stillwater Medical Center Monday evening and get a medication that is supposed to help me dilate/soften overnight before they start inducing Tuesday morning (39weeks 3 days). Bummer.

This was not how I wanted this to happen. I really wanted Oliver to come on his own time and for Marcus and I to have the experience of going into labor at home, sharing the excitement together and enjoying our last few quiet moments before our lives change forever. I'm heartbroken that this isn't how it is going to be. I keep reminding myself that there are pluses that go along with inducing, we can have everything ready, our family can plan around it, Forrest will be taken care of, Marcus' work will have more notice, and either way we will be bringing home our baby boy.

I'm a little heartbroken so as of this moment, my solution is: a few tears, Rush Hour 2, and baking a German Chocolate cake. This time next week (depending on what kind of delivery I have) we could be bringing home our baby boy home for the very first time.

Down to the last 6 weeks!

I can't believe that 9 months is almost up! It seems like it took us forever to get pregnant and when we finally did, we blinked and 8 months had flown by. We have about 6.5 weeks left until our due date but I'm hoping that Oliver will be as eager to meet us as we are him and come out a bit early. I'm sure its an old wives tale but I read that if you stay active and walk a lot then you'll tend to go into labor earlier rather than later. On a daily basis I walk 2.5 miles with Forrest (our Great Dane) and about every other day I get on the treadmill for another 2.5 miles. I'm planning on walking this baby out. Even if this old wives tale proves to be false, my doctor did say that staying as active as possible will help with an easier labor and recovery. I am so thankful that I have had such a healthy pregnancy. Beyond the common ailments associated with a normal pregnancy, I've had a very easy 8 months so far.

At this point, the only thing missing from our nursery is a rocker/glider/chair that we are picking up in Wichita this weekend. Once we get the chair and arrange the nursery we will put on the wall decal and finish putting up the rest of the decorations - pictures will be posted next week! Tomorrow we are headed to meet who we hope will be our pediatrician and attend a 2 hour breastfeeding class, in a few weeks we'll go to an Infant CPR class, and end the month with our pre-admission and tour appt at the hospital. The week after my birthday (goodbye 24 I'll miss you) I'll start freezing casseroles and such so we won't have to worry about cooking for the first few weeks and finish packing my hospital bag. Our house is full of lists of things to do, things to buy, people to call, appointments coming up because I can't remember anything these days. Pregnancy brain is real, and another old wives tale says its worse when you have a boy. Whew... now if I could only get some sleep...

My food challenge -

Like most women now days, I have had a struggle with food most of my life. I've never been over weight but have always felt the need to weigh less. Though most of my fears concerning food have subsided over time there has always been that voice inside my head telling me what I should or shouldn't look like. When I got pregnant, I was what I would consider a healthy weight and I eat pretty healthy (or so I thought) compared to most people my age. I love veggies, oatmeal, dairy, fruit and have always leaned more towards the vegetarian recipes though I do like the occasional filet mignon. It seems as if everything changed once we got that little pink plus...

One Sunday in October (after the pink plus) I was buying bread at the store and I realized that though I love my 45cal per slice bread, it wasn't whole grain and I'm officially in charge of making sure that little bean in there gets everything they need. So, as hard as it was I felt so good about putting it back and picking up the organic whole grain bread that was 100cal/slice. I am not a big meat person but I know that getting enough protein is important for my changing body and for that little one inside so now I make it a point to eat a scrambled egg or two as a mid morning snack after my walk. Its things like this I would never have done before because to me (before) the point of exercising was so that you burn off what you ate and stay thin. Now, the point is to stay active and healthy and make up the extra calories I burn off during my walk as you have to during pregnancy.

So, this week my husband is out of town for 4 days and I am challenging myself to eat every food group and their servings for 4 days straight starting Monday, zero restaurants and fast food. Tomorrow I'm headed to the store to stock up on oatmeal, whole grain bread, fresh fruits and veggies, eggs, greek yogurt, lean meat, nuts, beans etc. It sounds simple, but I know that after about the first day I'll be ready for some french fries. The one thing I will allow myself is, as long as I get all of my daily servings I'm allowed ice cream or candy (twizzlers and starburst haha) as a little treat. Here we go!

Not sure where to start...

It is not uncommon for Marcus to come home and find me welling with tears over a commercial about abused dogs, a catalog for Save the Children, a homeless person on the street or a mother who can't feed her children. I've always been this way and have always had a strong desire to help. The most recent was the Save the Children's catalog. Did you know that you can buy cows, goats and chickens for families in Africa? I start bawling at the idea of something so simple could help parents provide for their families. For the last 3 years or so I have played with the idea of starting up a soup kitchen in Stillwater. My main problem is - I have zero idea of where to start. I've always enjoyed the idea of giving money and clothes but I knew what most organizations really needed was time. So, I decided to go to part-time as manager at Northside and give up a few afternoons a week to volunteer.

I picked up 3 volunteer jobs, the Stillwater Surgery Center, a school for mentally handicapped children, and a reading buddy at Sangre Elementary to Ms. Cox's 3rd grade class.

The one that lasted the least amount of time was the school for mentally handicapped children. I did not get to work with the children as I had hoped, instead I was cutting out things for hours on end in a room by myself where the occasional teacher would pass through and not say hello. Now, don't get me wrong, I knew that volunteer work wasn't going to be easy but I did figure I'd at least be acknowledged. So, a few weeks later and a cramping hand I decided to drop that one and give Sangre an extra day.

Volunteer job #2 was the Stillwater Surgery Center, which lasted several months. Every Thursday I would show up around lunch and leave aroud 4 (unless there wasn't anything to do, in which case I'd leave early.) My job was to get patients a drink and snack after they had their procedure, bring their loved ones back into the recovery room, and clean the room after they had left. It was either very fast paced, or very slow. At first I really enjoyed it, I loved getting to know the nurses and helping people out. After a while I noticed that the nurses still weren't warming up to me, and were often a little bit rude to me. I had a desperate desire to say, "Hey, did you know that I'm not getting paid to do this? I'm here to help you for free." But, I didn't. I know this makes me sound snotty and I really wasn't doing it to get recognition or anything but I did at least want to be treated nicely. So, before long I got engaged and decided to dedicate my Thursdays to wedding planning instead of the Surgery Center.

Volunteer Job #3 - Reading and Sangre. I started reading 2 days a week (after I quit the other school) with Ms.Cox's 3rd grade class. Generally she would pair me up with a student that was a bit behind on his/her reading level. Overtime I was paired over and over again with the same girl, I'll call her A. A and I read and read and we actually started to get pretty close until summer came. Lucky for me she happened to get a teacher I knew in 4th grade and with her permission I continued reading throughout 4th grade. Today A is in 5th grade and has made leaps and bounds in her reading. I couldn't be more proud of her. It scares me to think that in just a few short months I won't be able to read with her anymore as she will be moving on to the middle school. Sniff sniff. She is the most wonderful young person I have ever had the privilege of meeting.

So, here we are 3 years later and I have picked up volunteer job #4 - I have become what can only be described as a teachers assistant to Ms. Gober's 1st grade class. On Mondays and Wednesdays at 9:30 you can find me sorting homework, cutting out construction paper, reading with students, helping students finish homework, and the scariest of all - I actually was a sub one day and don't plan on doing that one again. There is something about the smell of elementary schools that comforts me, surprising when you take into account that I HATED school from kindergarten to college, maybe its the stale macaroni and glue, maybe its the melted crayons and construction paper. 1st graders say the darndest things and being in that classroom is the biggest crack up of my day.

So, now that I have a little volunteering under my belt, maybe its time for something a little bigger. Though now that we have a baby on the way, it may have to wait. Either way, I know I still would love to have a soup kitchen, become a foster parent, build houses in Africa, and help anyone in need get their life back together. I'm so thankful to have married someone who understands the desire to help anyone and everyone at all costs. So, let the journey begin...